Ian Martin

Monday A report from the Campaign for Non-Ugly English says architects are rubbish. Not only do they use a lot of gobbledegook — they can’t even spell it!

Researchers analysed hundreds of architects’ design statements. They were full of grammatical mistakes, and lies. Some were simply craven — “I think you will like these windows, their grate”. Others used poncey jargon to make their schemes sound grander.

“Ultraperforming” cropped up quite a lot, in lieu of “meeting minimum standards”. Schemes amended after a first refusal were “repurposed”. Connecting utilities made buildings “intelligent”.

As the report says, it’s time for “joined-up writing” to replace “recombinant bullet points”.

Tuesday So Hong Kong’s skyline has more visual impact than Chicago’s, does it? Global real-estate company Engorgeme has ranked world cities according to the amount of floor space in them. This seems peculiar, as you can’t usually see floor space when looking at a skyline.

Peculiar, but encouraging. Tamworth is about to become the world’s most desirable city, as it has the most vertical airspace. Thanks to an invisible kink in the stratosphere, there’s more sky above it than anywhere else.

Wednesday Redesign Lebanon, giving it a “classier” look with hanging baskets and colourful borders.

Thursday Thanks very much, Environment Agency. My prototype flood-plain houses — the ones on inflatable pontoons — are now to be called in. Their time is up, apparently. Good luck retrieving the Alpine Bungalow test model — it’s halfway to France by now.

Friday Avoid April Fool’s Day by staying in bed with a hangover until lunchtime.

Saturday To the exquisite model town of Seaside, Florida, for a colloquium — New White Urbanism: Where Are We Going, Exactly?

Speakers from throughout the civilised world have gathered for what is essentially the annual general meeting of the Global New White Urbanist Residents’ Association. During coffee and registration, one of the US delegates demands a Caramel Frappuccino, is told politely that it is not among the 17 types of coffee available and shoots dead the waitress. Endless faffing around while he’s tasered by security guards and taken into custody, and, of course, it takes ages to get a coffee. Everyone’s full of rage by the time the meeting starts.

Much of the discussion focuses on the current crisis in New White Urbanism, which is blamed on two “perceptual millstones”.

One perceptual millstone has been the unfortunate media stereotyping of New White Urbanism. Certain liberal publications have pointed out that, notwithstanding the serene, low-crime, no-smoking atmosphere created by design codes and expensive property, none of the residents seems to be from an ethnic minority.

One asparagus-limbed critic even suggested to New York Times readers that New White Urbanism was “placist”. The other major setback for the movement has been the endorsement of the Prince of Wales.

After a lively debate with more gunplay it is agreed a) that someone will write to the New York Times pointing out that, in Seaside alone, domestic staff and civic maintenance workers are drawn from a rich and diverse ethnic array, and b) that someone will write to the Prince of Wales asking him to keep his environmental mysticism to himself.

Lunch is tense, with squabbles breaking out everywhere about the standard of cutlery, food, service and inconsiderate neighbours encroaching on diners’ “live-eat” space.

The afternoon session centres on transport, a key issue in New White Urbanist areas. Cars are banned, obviously. Bicycles are proposed as an alternative by European delegates, to the derision of everyone else. Not only do bicycles deny residents the “right to travel with dignity”, they are also “totally gross” and “gay”.

Pedestrianism is clearly the answer, though this, too, needs to be strictly controlled by walking codes. Strolling, for example, is proscribed for its “senior connotations” — most residents in these new neighbourhoods are middle-aged. “Walking purposefully” is finally accepted as a default. Race-walking is highly commended, except in those areas with cul-de-sacs, where several nasty collisions have taken place recently.

Sunday Recombinant synergy in the recliner.

im@spa.uk.net